Shame, Blame, and Guilt

… the cruel offspring of judgment.

Shame, blame, and guilt are cruel expressions of the practice of judgment that have been with us for many thousands of years… just look at the Old Testament to get an historical perspective of the ways through which we have sought to control self and others. Just look around you today… the cruel triplet is virtually everywhere in practically every news broadcast, and not uncommonly with several examples in a single broadcast! History tells us that the longer we spend focusing on this the more we are going to find of it and it’s evil stepchild, violence. Let us keep in mind that the more we focus on something, the bigger it becomes. This is a situation that is crying for change. I have the strong sense that today we are changing our addiction to believing that we can control our violent nature by more violence. I ask you to look at the harm that this practice has produced over these eons. We are so addicted to judgment and punishment that we have a difficult time even considering that there might be an alternative. There is… perceiving rather than judging and restorative justice rather than punishment… and I think it helps to know that we already know the alternative to violence—peace.

Let us first look at the three offspring, taking blame and guilt together and before shame. I am indebted to John Bradshaw for the terse descriptions that I first heard him use in a public TV series some 20 years ago based on his book, Homecoming. I remember him saying that guilt implies “I made a mistake and I should have known better;” blame implies “You made a mistake and you should have known better;” and shame—the really cruel one—says, “I am a mistake, and I can’t know better!” When limited to such damning expressions, making a mistake becomes a moral wrong that demands punishment, but only in a society that makes such moral judgments! Are there societies that do not make moral judgments like these? There certainly are, but modern “civilized” humans have a tendency to look at such societies as being “uncivilized”, or “primitive”. For the moment, though, let us stay with our own society, the society of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam that had its origins in what is known as The Fall in the legend of the Garden of Eden.

I look at this legend as an attempt on the part of the elders of the civilization of some 5000 years ago to explain why it was that we humans had become hordes of rapists and murderers committing murderous warfare with the first weapons of mass destruction—swords. The elders must have come to the conclusion that warfare was the product of the misapplication of knowledge. After all, it took knowledge to forge the first sword and to learn how to use it. A woman of my acquaintance lost two of her lovely and talented sons to what she realized was the “misapplication of knowledge,” to use her own words. The first snorted a line of coke and had a cardiac arrest and the second was shot to death by someone he accidentally bumped into in a shopping mall. The first died because of the misapplication of his own knowledge, and the second died because of the misapplication of another’s knowledge. That, to me, is exactly what the legend of the Fall from the Garden is all about.

Look at that legend closely now to see how we structured that misapplication of knowledge. Did we not assume that we had the power to steal knowledge from the Creator God? Did we not assume that that Source judged its own beloved children for having stolen the knowledge? Did we not assume that the naughty children needed to be punished for their sin? All three of these are oxymoronic thinking… yet we believe them to this day; including our definition of sin, which, according to a friend of mine who is a Rabbi simply means “to miss the mark”! I find evidence of this thinking every day, and the belief systems they build are, to me, precisely that which threaten the very existence of the whole planet and all life on it. We must change the belief systems! What do you think might happen were we to look at our mistakes as simply missing the target, and correctable by simply picking up our arrow, returning to the line, and shooting again… until we hit the mark?

We know one important thing today that we did not know 5000 years ago: we are evolving sentient beings living in an evolving Universe that is the product of the Divine Imagination. Indeed, it is clear to a growing number of humans that we are here in order to provide that Divinity with information of the experience of Itself to help it in its own evolution—including us. Consider please that that Divine Imagination has always been fully aware of what it created—including us, and that it gave us knowledge in order for us to become more creative ourselves, even at risk of becoming more destructively violent. Consider also that it has given us everything we need in order to be able to reverse the violence: peace, love, beauty, imagination, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, patience, creativity… in short, holographic fragments of Its own Mind.

Let me take this a few interesting concepts further! We are made of the physical matter of the Universe. We are alive because the Universe is alive. We are bodies because of the interaction of these two. We also have a mind because the Universe has a mind. It is conscious! Everything in the Universe is in perfect relationship to everything else (were it not in this relationship, you and I would not be here talking about it!) Simply put, this relationship is love. Look into it, and you will find no shame, blame, guilt, judgment, punishment, hatred, or destructive violence. The violence of the universe that we see in its novae and supernovae creates new elements of itself that are heavier than iron so that it can build more actively living, loving images of itself… stars and planets like ours. Yes my friends consider this: we are, indeed, created in the image of the Source, itself. We are Stardust.

The ways to change our belief systems are well established. The old form of justice that is known for its punishment is called “Retributive Justice” . The older form of justice, which we are just beginning to rediscover, is known as “Restorative Justice” http://www.restorativejustice.org/. Restorative justice acknowledges harm done and asks that the perpetrator take responsibility for his or her harmful actions and work with the injured in a gathering of communities representing all involved parties to make an “amend” that restores the healthy relationship between the two and their communities. The process is compassion, love, and forgiveness all blended into one healthy whole. We have known these three steps for a long time. We have a rich experience with them. Is it not time that we practiced them and stepped out of the old model that I described above into a new model called “Collaborators in Creation”? Let us extend our hand to all who suffer under the old model and welcome them to the winning ways that model the ways of the Source itself.

{ 3 comments… add one }
  • David LaGraffe January 1, 2015, 7:34 pm

    This tendency in our society to unforgivingly damn the wrongdoer vies with blind nationalism, racism and religious tribalism in locking us into a pattern of recurrent violence that only succeeds in perpetuating our trajectory toward self-destruction. The angels weep. http://www.aleteia.org/en/society/article/the-myth-of-redemptive-violence-what-christmas-tells-us-about-the-two-brooklyn-cops-5904157550575616

    • Ken Hamilton Ken Hamilton January 1, 2015, 10:04 pm

      I am in strong agreement with you here, David, and I also appreciate the words and thoughts contained in Mark Gordon’s essay in your aleteia.org link. I am encouraged to sense that the peace we seek does not pass beyond all human understanding; rather it is within our reach, calling us to it with an ever more strong and clear voice that will not be silenced.

  • colleen January 3, 2015, 2:50 pm

    HOORAY….to all the messengers that have positively influenced our awareness of the OLD habitual negative reactions..We cannot change what we don’t acknowledge..WE are more power full than we REAL-EYES. .BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE…my favorite quote!

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